I scrolled down my Instagram feed tonight. All the way down before kids to when we first got our condo and when I was still blogging regularly. The feelings I felt were a mix of annoyance (when and why did I have all this time); awe (I had all this time); and jealousy (what is time anyways).
I did not realize that I could envy a past version of myself but here I am at 29, realizing I am old enough to do just that.
This August will mark 10 years of me knowing Russell. Russ had a shaved head, which he buzzed himself to save money, and a big beard when I first met him. Part of me knew I was going to marry him that night I shook his hand after introducing myself. I only tell a few people this because it’s one of those things that you either believe or you don’t. And I normally don’t, but that night I did. And still do. So.
Anyways, that was a tangent.
I celebrated my birthday this past week. I always get nostalgic this time of year and I usually bust out the old diaries and reread them. I didn’t do that this year because 1) time and 2) I couldn’t be bothered. I feel like I’m stepping into a chapter of my life where I can finally feel comfortable saying no to things I don’t want to do. I listened to a mom podcast the other day and the lady talked about how motherhood made her more confident in her choices because now she knew what she wanted to do. After kids, you don’t want to waste your time on maybes or kindas. Your time is so limited that you can only make room and space for things that really matter to you. I’ve hit that spot in my life. The people in my life now are people I want in my life. The things I do are the things I want to do. And for the first time, my goals are clear.
Looking through past Instagram posts brought back many cases of yesses and nos. I’m sure it’d be that way too if I read past blog posts or old diaries. Now I’m happy that I can say no to things knowing full well I won’t regret it and go on about life with a sense of contentment. I now understand the passion behind my two-year old’s NOs! I’m on my toddler’s level. Although I am teaching him the refined art of a No thank you instead of his violent nos. Ah, we are all learning so I cannot fault him.
So I’ve been blogging a little bit more because I realized I like this platform more than my personal Instagram. You can catch me here more, sharing pictures I didn’t want to share on Instagram. And blabbing more than I need to. I hope to see you around.
Splash pads are a must. Ari loves summer just as much as I do – but I don’t think he likes the heat like I do. When the sun is shining, he sighs and says, “It’s hot today.”
Family camping. Ollie and I didn’t camp, but Russ and Ari did. Ari did really well and was excited to sleep in a tent! I thought he would cry and wake up other campers but he didn’t. He was super tired the next day though and needed an early nap. Russ and Ari are the same in that they both love the outdoors so of course, they woke up at sunrise because of excitement.
We started running. We signed up for a 5K in September and I’ve actually been running regularly. Who would’ve known that I would enjoy running. I use an app called Couch to 5K and it helps keep me on track. Here’s us on our weekly family runs (other times I run on my own in our community gym).
And there are lots of park days.
I also took my first mirror selfie. I’m fitting into my clothes again pre-pregnancy and while I am still not near what I was pre-babies, I am finally feeling great at where I am. I’ve accepted that it’ll never be the same and that’s a good thing. A great thing! I never knew I would have more confidence after gaining weight, having stretch marks, and skin that is not as tight as it used to be. Now, I feel proud to have been able to carry and birth two beautiful boys. It also helps that I have a husband who had never once talked negative about me and is always so encouraging and loving the moment I get down about myself. I’m in such a good spot in life.
Today was a good day. In the morning, I took Ari on a walk around the park. The school kids were playing dodgeball on the grass and Ari couldn’t stop watching them. I kept thinking how surreal it’d be when he’s in grade school, playing and running and talking. I hugged him a little longer when we got home before I put him down for a nap.
Today I felt like a great mom. I fed Ari some apples for a snack and I made sure he also got some proteins (beans), veggies (zucchini and spinach), and carbs (sweet potatoes) during meal times. I also spotted two new teeth coming through and I gave him some teething crackers which he’s learning how to hold and eat.
Today I felt like a horrible mom. I cried for half an hour and Russell had to hold Ari for a little bit while I hid under the covers of the bed in a dark dark room. Russell put Ari on the bed who then began patting my head under the covers. Ari was finally able to remove the covers and the smile he gave me when he found my face melted my heart. I cried some more because I hate feeling so easily overwhelmed when I’m only eight months into motherhood.
Today we booked tickets to visit family in Florida in January. I’m excited to fly and visit my in-laws but also anxious about the flight with a baby who always wants to move all. the. time.
Today Russell also bought us two Taylor Swift tickets for May of next year and I wanted to cry some more because how did I ever deserve such a loving and caring husband? It’s not just the tickets. It’s how he holds Ari and reminds me that I’m doing the best I can as a new mom and that Ari loves me and doesn’t think I’m failing. It’s how he makes dinner when he comes home and sees I’m exhausted and laying on the floor after a full day with Ari. It’s how he sees me watching videos of Taylor Swift on YouTube then goes and buys tickets for her concert. He did this today. Today, when I felt torn about being a mom. When he sees me at my worst he also sees me at my best. My heart is full and empty and just filled with so much emotion that I wanted to remember today.
Today was the kind of day that was hard to describe and difficult to reiterate. Before we were married, Russ and I agreed never to ask each other “How was your day?” after a long day. Today is one of those days that explains why. My heart was tugged in so many different directions and experienced every feeling that I could sum it up as “fine” but that would be both a lie and the truth.
I’m happy for today and can go to bed thankful for today.