I am always running out of it, losing it, wanting it, and not having it.
I am realizing I do not need to be as busy as I think I need to be.
Sometimes I wish I could want nothing. And not in a materialistic sort of way. I don’t want more things. I want bigger, better things. As in, I want to reach my goals. I want to do better and be better. And I don’t want to want to do those things. Those things take effort and – you got it – TIME.
Anyways, I’m whining again about how I don’t have time. However, time is a concept lost to my two year old and nine month old. Those dudes could care less. What young, glorious lives they live.
I went out on a Friday night with some girl friends, came home, and discovered that Russell moved some things around the house so that I can have my very own sewing corner!
This corner is messy. It’s not pretty. One day, I’ll have a before and after shot of this corner. But not today because I’m too excited to be sewing in a corner rather than the dining room table.
Before this table, there was a baby crib here which is why there’s a bunch of fabric clouds hanging on the wall. The wires stress me out. And I have piles of fabric everywhere. But this corner in our bedroom is just so sweet because when Russell gets home from work, he watches the kids and I get to go into our room, shut the door, and sew. It’s the best.
I scrolled down my Instagram feed tonight. All the way down before kids to when we first got our condo and when I was still blogging regularly. The feelings I felt were a mix of annoyance (when and why did I have all this time); awe (I had all this time); and jealousy (what is time anyways).
I did not realize that I could envy a past version of myself but here I am at 29, realizing I am old enough to do just that.
This August will mark 10 years of me knowing Russell. Russ had a shaved head, which he buzzed himself to save money, and a big beard when I first met him. Part of me knew I was going to marry him that night I shook his hand after introducing myself. I only tell a few people this because it’s one of those things that you either believe or you don’t. And I normally don’t, but that night I did. And still do. So.
Anyways, that was a tangent.
I celebrated my birthday this past week. I always get nostalgic this time of year and I usually bust out the old diaries and reread them. I didn’t do that this year because 1) time and 2) I couldn’t be bothered. I feel like I’m stepping into a chapter of my life where I can finally feel comfortable saying no to things I don’t want to do. I listened to a mom podcast the other day and the lady talked about how motherhood made her more confident in her choices because now she knew what she wanted to do. After kids, you don’t want to waste your time on maybes or kindas. Your time is so limited that you can only make room and space for things that really matter to you. I’ve hit that spot in my life. The people in my life now are people I want in my life. The things I do are the things I want to do. And for the first time, my goals are clear.
Looking through past Instagram posts brought back many cases of yesses and nos. I’m sure it’d be that way too if I read past blog posts or old diaries. Now I’m happy that I can say no to things knowing full well I won’t regret it and go on about life with a sense of contentment. I now understand the passion behind my two-year old’s NOs! I’m on my toddler’s level. Although I am teaching him the refined art of a No thank you instead of his violent nos. Ah, we are all learning so I cannot fault him.
So I’ve been blogging a little bit more because I realized I like this platform more than my personal Instagram. You can catch me here more, sharing pictures I didn’t want to share on Instagram. And blabbing more than I need to. I hope to see you around.
Splash pads are a must. Ari loves summer just as much as I do – but I don’t think he likes the heat like I do. When the sun is shining, he sighs and says, “It’s hot today.”
Family camping. Ollie and I didn’t camp, but Russ and Ari did. Ari did really well and was excited to sleep in a tent! I thought he would cry and wake up other campers but he didn’t. He was super tired the next day though and needed an early nap. Russ and Ari are the same in that they both love the outdoors so of course, they woke up at sunrise because of excitement.
We started running. We signed up for a 5K in September and I’ve actually been running regularly. Who would’ve known that I would enjoy running. I use an app called Couch to 5K and it helps keep me on track. Here’s us on our weekly family runs (other times I run on my own in our community gym).
And there are lots of park days.
I also took my first mirror selfie. I’m fitting into my clothes again pre-pregnancy and while I am still not near what I was pre-babies, I am finally feeling great at where I am. I’ve accepted that it’ll never be the same and that’s a good thing. A great thing! I never knew I would have more confidence after gaining weight, having stretch marks, and skin that is not as tight as it used to be. Now, I feel proud to have been able to carry and birth two beautiful boys. It also helps that I have a husband who had never once talked negative about me and is always so encouraging and loving the moment I get down about myself. I’m in such a good spot in life.